I am not sure where the phrase came from, I blatantly have stolen it from some other woman who reads 'He's Just Not That Into You' once a month, but with the new decade has come a new approach to my relationships. Two people (a guy and a girl) who are both very important to me, separately suggested that I might be becoming a little obsessed with the finding a mate. I now concur that they were right. I am in my early thirties, I had exited from yet another failed long-term relationship. Couple this with being at a crossroads where society's preconceived views silently slip into your consciousness and you start asking yourself: why, just why am I not married, with three nippers, living in a nice little house in the country and giving up my youthful life as I know it? I don't want these things as of yet, but I used to want to want them - I thought they were the universal barometer for earthly happiness and success. I am nowhere near this stage, I have spent the last ten years asking myself if I like my career, did I actually want to be with any of my ex-boyfriends? should I live in this city? What exactly IS the meaning of life? How much can I blame my parents, friends, exes (anyone else but me) for? And what happens when we all shortly become vampires?! On and on the questions go around my head with no let-up. I was spiritually holding my breath, thinking that if the perfect other half comes along and 'completes' me then suddenly the answer to all of these questions would become sparkingly clear (except maybe the vampire question, I shall be pondering that for some time...). Then it struck me over Christmas, when I spent a lot of time with me, myself and I. I am a whole person, I don't develop a whole new personality and sense of well-being because I am with soemone else. In fact most of the time I become depleted, less of myself and more of my misconceived notion of what Mr A N Other wants me to be. I may miss physical touching and companionship, but I don't miss picking fights and trying to calm a 'grass is always greener' inner monster whispering in my ear. Ultimately only I can fight my demons and generate more fixed rather than transient happiness throughout this life. So here it is: no dating, no drunken snogging, no waking up in the morning and thinking WTF, no waiting by the phone (or nowadays the computer), and no feeling let down by someone who could never have fixed my inner leaky tap no matter what they said or did. Also, for clarification purposes: I don't dislike men, I dislike myself as a girlfriend, lover, whatever. I will let you know how it goes. Existing side effects are thinking that Taylor Swift song lyrics are a direct call to arms, an ever-increasing addiction to cheesey rom-coms and a desperation to buy a kitten. But I haven't felt any stress in weeks. I quite like myself it seems.
Monday, 4 January 2010
Dear Future Me (let's say in 2020). Well, you'll be 41 but you'll probably still feel 20, like I have always done (even when I was 6). I hope that you will have learned that years of sweating over the small stuff was a terribly pointless exercise and I expect you'll be much more chilled. You'll have finally cottoned on to what is important in life. Even though you'll know that personal happiness does not come solely from your loved ones, you'll probably be married with a child or two, living the traditional 20th Century dream, but being grateful for what you have, in 21st Century fashion. But if you're not with The One(R), I feel that you will still be happy, because you will have sorted out what work and love mean to you. You'll be finally settled in yourself but you'll be raring to go, with lots of different projects and an ongoing sense of optimism. You'll still be using your creativity. You won't regret the past and you'll be reconciled with those you had previously tussled with. You'll do the forgetting, as well as the forgiving. You'll hopefully be less focussed on yourself and you will find you can truly marvel at the beauty of a rainbow inside a raindrop. I am looking forward to being you. Enjoy! Lots of love Sarah Lou 2010